CHILDREN CAN ONLY LEARN HOW TO CALM DOWN WITH YOUR HELP, EXPLAINS KATHRYN BERKETT, EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST.

One of the most important journeys children undertake in the early years is learning how to calm down, and this learning will only happen if they practice it. And in order to practice calming down, children need two important things to be present.

The first thing your child needs is you – or anyone they feel safe around. Returning to a state of calmness requires the presence of safe support. However, for you to make your child feel safe, you need to be calm enough yourself. Raised voices, authoritarian stances or behaviours, or leaving your child isolated are behaviours that adults sometimes use when we lose our calm, and doing any of these will not help your child to feel safe. The second thing your child needs is a “tolerable activation of stress”.

Put simply, this means that children need to be able to handle a bit of stress in order to know how to activate their calm. So the recipe for your child learning to calm down looks like this: Allow children to experience tolerable stress, and ensure there is a safe person around to help them activate calm. This is also the way children become emotionally resilient.

CALM PARENT = CALM CHILD

Let’s go back to that first essential thing your child needs to calm down: You. It’s critical that you, the parent, are calm enough to help your child. It can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but try these two steps.

1. Start by breathing until you can feel some ability to activate your rational or logical brain – it only needs to be enough to be present and have some sense of control.

2. Then, have a simple plan for you and your child to activate once you feel this sense of control.

You need to make your plan and practice it when you’re calm – don’t wait for a meltdown to happen and think you’ll suddenly be able to implement it. Practice both the breathing and the plan – act it out, have a trigger word or sign, or do whatever works for your whanau.

MAKING YOUR PLAN

Your plan needs to have four elements: It needs to be rhythmic, routine, repetitive, and relational. You might have a number of plans to call on, depending on what’s happening and where you are. For example, a tantrum at the supermarket might require a different plan than one you’d use when you’re at home.

• RHYTHMIC: Something that has patterns, like a song, poem, or chant.

• ROUTINE: A predictable way of acting out the pattern – movements to a song, counting in order, etc.

• REPETITIVE: An activity that is done over and over in a short space of time.

• RELATIONAL: Including your child and their safe adult doing the activity together.

Your plan can look like anything that will work for you and your child, but the most important elements are that you’re both involved, and that you are calm. Ask yourself, “What does my child need to feel safe right now?” and make this your priority.

What you’re looking for is that your child’s body is activating a sense of calm, and if this is happening, then the plan you implemented is a good one for their needs at the moment. If it’s not working, and your child isn’t calming down, first check in with yourself and ensure YOU are calm. Then, realise that your child may need something different to help activate their calm.

Try different plans until you find one that is helpful in the moment. And have lots of patience and forgiveness for yourself and your child, as it is a difficult thing you are both learning and you should be proud of your efforts.

QUICK REMINDER

1. Breathe: Feel it in your body; in your shoulders; in your stomach; even in your eyes. If you activate a state of calm in your body, you are activating a state of calm in your mind.

2. Make a plan: repetitive, rhythmic, relational and routine. Keep it simple. But even a simple plan needs some of the brain to be present; hence, breathe first, then activate the plan.

SOME EXAMPLES OF PLANS YOU COULD TRY...

HOLDING HANDS AND JUMPING IN A CIRCLE SINGING A SONG

SITTING DOWN QUIETLY AND LOOKING THROUGH A PHOTO ALBUM

LISTENING TO MUSIC TOGETHER. SWINGING ON A SWING OR JUMPING TOGETHER ON A TRAMPOLINE.