BESTSTART REGIONAL EDUCATION LEADER MICHELA HOMER HAS ADVICE FOR DEALING WITH HITTING, SCREAMING, AND OTHER FRUSTRATING BEHAVIOURS.

 As a parent of a young child, you may be faced with managing your child's seemingly "challenging behaviours", particularly when it comes to understanding social rules such as turn-taking or figuring out how to play in spaces with other children. The good news is that these challenges are 100% developmentally appropriate! Your child isn't being unintentionally unkind or rude, they're simply figuring out how to navigate social settings while understanding how their own emotions work. Here's what's behind five common behaviour challenges, and some ways to handle them.

TAKING TURNS

It's hard to understand why you must wait to take turns when all you want is to play with something right now because children have little concept of time (for example, "In five minutes").

How to handle: A way you can help your child to work through these social rules of engagement is by acknowledging their feelings or using distraction techniques - name it to tame it! For example: "I can see you're angry/frustrated/upset right now, but you'll get a turn a little later." Alternatively, using distraction techniques can help them if they don't understand the concept of time and waiting for a turn. Instead, show them another toy that you know will interest them.

HITTING

When children lash out at another child or an adult, it could be because they don't have the words needed to explain their emotions or needs. Even if they do have the words, they may not be thinking logically because they are so focused on right now. When they're in this heightened emotional state, they won't understand reasoning or long explanations of how they should be behaving. Telling them to say sorry in this moment won't work; in fact, it may just make them more upset and frustrated.

How to handle: Instead of trying to rationalise with children when they're in this space or frame of mind, wait until they are calm and feeling safe again. Once they are calm, talk and listen to them about how they were feeling, problem-solving with them about how they could get through this.

 SNATCHING

Your toddler is in the process of learning how to engage with others. They may be trying to get the attention of another child by snatching or grabbing their toys. This is because they want the child's reaction, and they want to engage while they're still figuring out how to build on their social skills.

How to handle: You may feel the need to jump in and resolve the issue, but if you see the behaviour for what it is, you may just be surprised by how quickly your toddler can problem-solve through this social interaction with minimal support. Instead, empathise and verbalise what you see. For example, "I can see that Sophie was holding that, and now you have it." Or, if the child is upset, say, "I can see you were upset when Sophie took that away." If the snatching becomes frequent, a simple way of supporting your toddler to understand the impact is to observe and, when you see it about to happen, stop it by saying to your child, "Sophie has that right now; you need to find something else." If there is a similar toy, direct your child to that one.

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

When a child demonstrates aggressive behaviour like biting and hair-pulling, it is usually because they're feeling uncomfortable about something. Biting and hair-pulling are impulsive reactions to something that is occurring for a child. We may not understand what is causing it, but if we see these behaviours, it can help us to consider ways to support our children through this.

How to handle: If you know what is causing your child to react impulsively, you can find ways to support them to work through it. The key to helping your child navigate through any aggressive behaviour is to create safety for them. Your child is not being "naughty", but is unable to control their impulsive behaviour. So, your key responsibility is to help them feel safe and be there for them to help if they are about to react impulsively. For example, if your child doesn't want another child to come into their personal space, situate yourself nearby so that if you see they're getting upset, you can place your hand between them and the other child. When you see them getting upset, say, "I can see you are upset. Let's find a space where you can breathe and calm your body." You may feel the urge to require your child to say sorry or ask them why they behaved aggressively. When they are in this space, they don't understand why, nor do they understand the concept of being sorry. Instead, wait until they are calm, relaxed, and safe, then discuss the feeling of frustration that the child was experiencing, rather than the aggressive behaviour. For example: "At your new centre today, you were feeling a bit scared, and it's okay to feel scared. You'll soon start to feel happy when you learn lots of new and exciting things. You can always ask your teacher if you want some help." Let your child know that you're on their side and will help them navigate this frustration.

SCREAMING

With a screaming child, it's vital that you understand what's driving the screaming. For example, they may be tired, hungry, thirsty, etc and may need something (like a nap or a drink of water), but can't verbalise this until it's too late - so they start screaming and aren't able to be reasonable even when you're trying to respond to those screams. Or they could simply be screaming because they don't want to do something you've requested, like come inside because it's lunch time.

How to handle: If your child is screaming and you know why (they're tired, hungry, etc), it's important to support those needs and supply your child with what they need at that moment to settle them. While you do this, you need to remain calm and realise their demands are normal, but they've just gone into an unreasonable place when asking for whatever it is that they need. If they are screaming and you realise whatever it is they are demanding isn't meeting their needs - for example, they want a drink and you get them some water, but they scream because they want milk - the best thing you can do is to look after yourself in that space. Trust that your child is working through their emotions and learning ways to regulate themselves. This is part of their learning, and if you get sucked into the storm, they'll have no one to anchor them.

HELPFUL TIP

The biggest tip that I can suggest when you’re supporting your little learner to navigate challenging situations is to remember that they watch and hear everything you’re doing. That means the best you can do is to role model how you work through these challenges in your life. Remind yourself that they’re not doing this to intentionally challenge you or be rude, but because this is all a part of how we learn together. Letting your child know they are safe and loved, and then problem-solving through these moments, builds critical life skills that will last a lifetime.